i feel kinda like i've had my head in a big muddy puddle for the past month. i can tell that my depression is bad, but i don't want to do anything about it. it's so much easier it is to just let it happen and lay there. i suppose that's why i've spent most of my life cowering in bed, which i've been thinking about a lot recently.

i'm trying to hype myself up to look forward to tomodachi life: living the dream and my friend mailing me a PS vita, though...! i've been looking forward to more tomodachi life forever... i really got into it in 2023 when i was having a monumentally difficult time in my life, so it means a lot to me. i do kind of wish that i played it when i was in high school, i had a friend who really enjoyed it and would bring his DS to school to dick around on it. i had a hard time getting into playing my 3DS at that time because the screen was so small and the lack of antialiasing gave me a damn headache, but getting the new 3DS XL made a world of difference.

uuugghh... omg. i've been trying so hard to be good about my own boundaries with myself, but i'm feeling wrapped up in nostalgia (i guess...?) for an emotionally abusive friendship i had to leave. it feels like very little time has passed since then, but also that i can scarcely remember the years we had been friends. i need to dump my heart somewhere since i dredged up all those terrible feelings again today. i'm frustrated and just need to get this out of my system for the Nth time.

~~~ EDIT! (the journal factory un-exploded)

i had a biiig entry here for about a week that was very much a diary entry. i have written about this toxic friendship in my diary quite a bit over the past 1.5 yrs and spoken to my therapist/friends about it many times. but for some reason, those avenues really weren't cutting it. i just felt like i was walking in circles by writing in my journal and i didn't have it in me to sit down with someone and dredge up all my feelings in an actual conversation.

sharing my feelings here, where it's quite private and i feel safe because of the low traffic, helped lessen the load of my anxieties and frustrations. the whole situation was/continues to be genuinely very unsettling and my feelings surrounding it are still heavy, though. so, i feel better taking it off my site now that it's done its job. that way, i don't feel like it's this looming presence that anyone can stumble upon. also, i don't want to accidentally provoke any kind of reaction/contact from the person this entry was about.

out of site, out of mind, i guess! thanks for reading mwah