well, i finally have a few things to upload here! it's nice to come back to this website every few weeks as a creative project and see the results of my tinkering so clearly. i'm considering taking the unavailable links off the navigation on the left until i have something to put there, but i think that could just be me making more work for myself, no need to do that...

i haven't... really done anything since i last wrote in here. i applied for the apprenticeship i was thinking about and haven't heard anything back, just been waiting around and helping out my parents with whatever in the meantime. i'm trying not to let myself get too down about it but i can't lie, i'm frustrated. i don't want to go back to the grocery shopper job, but i don't know if i can get anything better. oh, well. i should probably save this for an actual diary entry in my physical journal but it's not like i'm committing a sin by complaining on the internet so i'll let myself have this one lol.

i finished a little drawing last night (maybe i'll tweak it a liiiittle more but i'll say it's done anyways) and it felt good to actually go through the whole process of drawing something again, even if it was just a little one. i haven't had the motivation or self-discipline to make myself finish much of anything for almost a year now. crazy how time flies. i wish i had some creative partner or boss to keep me on a schedule, i know i have the chops to make something really good if i have the right kick in the ass encouragement!

at least i have my sweet little kitty bonita to play with and dote upon. she's a real lifesaver! i've been thinking about making a little shrine/appreciation section for her just because i looooove her so much. if you know me at all, you know her face very well because i send pics of her to eeeeveryone!

i finally feel like i'm getting somewhere with putting this website together and i'm surprised by how it's coming together. i've spent so many times just sifting through HTML and CSS on tumblr and such without really understanding it, but now i have a loose grasp on quite a few concepts and it's rewarding!

i'm glad about that, at least. everything else in my life as felt really... disappointing. my first job, an early-morning grocery packer, is officially over now. i should re-apply for the seasonal role so i can continue to have some kind of employment, but i really feel like shit about so many aspects of it. i'm slow. it makes my anxiety crazy when i can't find something and have to go around bothering people before the sun rises. it's considerably stressful. i always sleep terribly the night before, if at all, and waking up at 2:45AM sucks. it has nothing to do with what i'm passionate about... i don't know.

though... i did see a job listing for an art restoration apprenticeship that has the same pay. i think i will apply to that, even though my portfolio for traditional artwork really sucks. i know i will most likely be rejected and i'll just feel worse because i'm not good enough for anything meaningful that i've applied to, but i should at least try... i guess... it's either embarrass myself further or bang my head on the floor until i miraculously transcend to become the perfect person i've always wanted to be.

anyway, i should go to sleep now. i think i'll watch jerma's VOD of resident evil requiem on my tablet until i pass out, if i don't get too scared lol. btw the cutscene like 20 minutes into the game, the flashback to grace's mother's murder, had me in tears??? oh god, her VA is way too good. the way she was crying "mom, i'm scared!" so realistically had me cryinnnggg...!!